Jennifer Ward, LMSW, Bereavement Counselor, Chesapeake Life Center
A man is scrolling on social media when a Facebook memory pops up of his mom at the last Thanksgiving dinner she was able to attend before she died. Suddenly he feels an intense sadness and begins to cry. He misses her so much and misses seeing her smile.
That is anniversary grief.
His sister sees the same photo. She instantly smiles and feels a wave or relief. It was a special day, but mom was going through chemotherapy and now she is no longer in pain.
That is also anniversary grief.
Anniversary grief is the intense feelings and emotions of grief surrounding the anniversary of a significant loss or traumatic event as well as significant dates or events that are a reminder of someone who is no longer with us.
They are not always sad or scary. Sometimes the nostalgia is welcoming. This is a normal reaction to grief. Like snowflakes, grief is different for each person. To cope with these inevitable anniversary moments, here are some reasons why grievers should reach out to a grief counselor.
- Grief counselors can help clients prepare for the triggers before these anniversaries occur. They can guide them through loss, memories, worry, and sometimes regret that comes from the unfinished business their loved one left behind.
- Grief counselors help children, individuals and families process the pain of grief. That can look like crying, sharing feelings of anger, guilt, regret and sadness. We hold a space to allow our clients to get in touch with how they are feeling. When these anniversaries impact the griever, they feel as if the world has moved on without their loved one and they also feel left behind. Many don’t have a tribe they can turn to. Grief counselors and grief support groups can be that tribe.
- Grief counselors help the bereaved write the new chapter in their life. How do we turn the page? How do we incorporate the loss into our new life? What was life like before the loss? What do you want life to be now? And in the future?
- Grief counselors help their clients explore meaningful ways to maintain a deep connection with the deceased, and not only on the anniversaries. It can be something as simple as lighting a candle or planting a tree that will grow each year in their honor.
- Grief counselors can help griervers reinvent the anniversary that they struggle with so it honors their person while bringing others in to share. One of my client’s mom would host a family dinner every Sunday. When she died, the dinners stopped and that gathering was missed. So, the client started a new dinner tradition in her honor, getting together every Sunday with their family.
It is important not to ignore anniversaries that remind people of their loved ones. Death can cause people to drift away from each other when their loved one’s traditions aren’t continued. Death can also bring people together when they work to find a way to honor their loved one in this new life without them.
