Paris was just 16 years old when her mom died suddenly. In that moment, her life was never the same. She and her sister had to move in with her godparents and start a new school, all while navigating the trauma and grief of their mom’s unexpected death. In this episode of our Grief from the Other Side podcast, Paris shares her story of loss and how family, friends, and music have helped her. She also shares what wasn’t as helpful and how she is continuing to move forward.
Click here to listen to “Grief from the Other Side Episode 3: It doesn’t get easier, it just gets less hard.”
Speaker 1:
Grief From the Other Side, where the bereavement experts at Chesapeake Life Center talk about living with loss. Sharing stories of hope and resilience.
Amy Stapleton:
Hi. I’m Amy Stapleton. I am the manager of bereavement services at Hospice of the Chesapeake at the Chesapeake Life Center. I am a licensed professional counselor, one of the bereavement counselors here at the Chesapeake Life Center.
Tammy Turner:
And I’m Tammy Turner. I’m the community education manager for Hospice of the Chesapeake. I am happy to be on this journey with you, Amy, because I feel like we have so many stories to be told. Grief is a universal experience. We all have experience with that.
Amy Stapleton:
Yeah.
Tammy Turner:
But finding those stories that can really help us connect, and help us understand, and along the journey give us some guidance, I think, is going to be really helpful. What about our last person that we’re going to feature in this season? Her name is Paris.
Amy Stapleton:
Paris. Paris is just pure joy. You can’t sit in a room with Paris and not feel joyful, not feel happy. It’s just who she is in the world. And meeting Paris at one of the hardest times in her life, there is still that that piece of joy that always came through.
Amy Stapleton:
She lost her mom very suddenly, was with her mom as she died. And as a young adult in high school, her whole world changed in that instant in unbelievable ways. She and her sister had to move. They had to change schools. Their entire family’s structure was reconfigured in a split-second.
Tammy Turner:
Wow.
Amy Stapleton:
And Paris, she’s determined. When I think of resiliency, I think of Paris.
Tammy Turner:
That’s amazing.
Amy Stapleton:
I think of somebody just looking in the face of hardship and not being defined by it. Saying, “Yeah, I know this is going to be hard. And I know this is going to cost something, but I have a goal. I have a focus. I have a reason to be here.” And I think you’ll get that energy when you hear Paris. It just comes through loud and clear in everything she does.
Speaker 1:
What is lost.
Amy Stapleton:
I am so excited to be here with Paris. Paris, I have to say, when I think about the first time I met you … Gosh, and where you are now, you just have taken this really hard thing that happened in life and transformed it like no other.
Amy Stapleton:
I am so excited to have you here, and to have the world hear a little bit about you, and about what’s made the difference in your grief. You had the unfortunate and unbearable experience of losing your mom suddenly. Can you talk a little bit about how old you were and what happened?
Paris:
I was 16 years old in my sophomore year. We went to a movie that morning and it’s called The Space Between Us. And it’s crazy, it’s ironic that’s the movie we went to go see. But we went to go see the movie and after, it was very coincidental, but my sister made me mad. And so, I was like, “I’m not riding with you. I’m riding with mommy.”
Paris:
And so, we got in the car, we went to Burger King. We got Coke Icees for me, my sister, and my mom. That was our favorite drink from Burger King. And so, as we’re on the way home, I’m searching something up and we’re talking and laughing about it. She says my name and she’s like, “Paris.” I look over and it’s like she’s passed out. And so, me being me, I didn’t think anything was wrong with her.
Paris:
I’m like, “Stop joking.” I’m patting her like, “Stop joking. Okay? It’s not funny anymore.” I’m like, “Come on, now. Wake up. The car is moving.” And that’s when I realized that something was actually wrong, when I looked and I actually saw that she wasn’t there driving the car. And so, the car started drifting.
Paris:
It’s like she … The way my sister told the story, after when I finally told her, the way she told it was my mom saved my life. Which she did, because the turn that we were going around, a lot of people have gotten in accidents there. And so, it’s like she called my name so that I could know to either pull the car over or to do something.
Paris:
And so, I can laugh about it now. But before, when I called 9-1-1, I was calling my sister at the same time. And I told the 9-1-1 operator to hold on, that there were people coming to make sure that we were okay. It was a really, of course, traumatic day. And then, when we got to the hospital, the one thing that really tore me apart … The doctor didn’t wait until we had someone there for us to tell us.
Paris:
And so, it was like we were alone when they did tell us. It was just like, “What?” I watch Grey’s anatomy. They’re like, “You have to say the word.” And I didn’t watch it until after, but it’s hard to hear it, because you do have to say it. Because if you say anything else, sometimes it won’t click.
Paris:
It wouldn’t have clicked if they had said anything else, I don’t think. If they didn’t say that, “There was nothing else that we could do, but unfortunately …” And it was like everybody wanted to see her, but it was like she wouldn’t have wanted you to see her like this. Wait until the funeral, until she’s pretty and dolled up. She’s not going to want you to see her like this.
Amy Stapleton:
Such a powerful testimony of love, of family, of strength. How you summoned up in that moment what to do and how to be. It’s just remarkable. And I know that came at a great cost. In that moment, your life changed forever. And I know your awesomeness. I know how you’ve made it through. I’m guessing mom was a source of that. It started somewhere. Can you tell us a little bit about your mom and what she was like?
Paris:
My mom was one of the coolest moms. Everyone will say that about their mom. But, honestly, she was hip because of me. I was the younger daughter and I was the hip one. I knew all the new trends and things like that. And so, she was always like, “Teach me how to do this dance and do this.” She was really stylish and just hardworking and dedicated.
Paris:
My mom, she was a single mom of two girls. She struggled, and we didn’t see the struggle. There would be Christmases where she’d say, “It’s going to be a small Christmas,” and we’d still get everything we wished for. To this day … Before I was grateful for my mom, and I will forever be grateful for my mom, because she struggled. After she passed away, we learned more of her struggles.
Paris:
I just thank God for giving me such a great mom, because even when she was struggling, she didn’t let us see it. And I’ll go back to hardworking. When I was in third, fourth, or fifth grade, I remember saying to her, “All you do is come home and sleep.” Because she’d go to work … She’s a postal carrier, so they’re out all day. And she used to come home late.
Paris:
I’d say, “All you do asleep. You don’t spend any time with me.” And I didn’t understand until I got older. And it was like, “Well, I wish I didn’t say that to her,” but she understood. And it was like she’s still … She’s, of course, my favorite person. But I just pray that when it is time for me to be a mom, I can be half the woman she is.
Amy Stapleton:
What a tribute. Clearly, that legacy that your mom gave you lives inside of you. It’s so apparent. And that strength is almost palpable. I feel like I’ve met her through knowing you, which is a beautiful testament to her love and who she was.
Amy Stapleton:
Tell us a little bit … There was the actual event itself when everything changed, but there was a lot of change going on around you, and even within you. You had to change schools, where you live. Your whole world changed in that moment.
Paris:
When she passed away, I immediately knew that we would be going to live with my godmother. We knew that’s what she would have wanted. And my dad didn’t fight for me. No one else didn’t fight for me, because they knew that’s what my mom would have wanted. At that time, we were living in Fort Washington and my godparents lived in Bowie. It was a 30 minute drive.
Paris:
I was able to finish my school year out at my old school, but it was really hard for me to leave them, because my best friend of almost nine years was still going to school there. I was going to be going to a different school. I told my godmother, I said, “When I go to Bowie, I’m not going to make any friends. I don’t want any friends. My friends are at Friendly.”
Paris:
And I told her, I said, “I’m going to do what I got to do, and I’m going to graduate.” I got to Bowie. The first two weeks, I was like, “I’m not making any friends. I won’t talk to anybody.” And then, this girl, she sat down next to me and we became really good friends.
Paris:
And so, from there, I was like, “Well, I got to look at it differently.” I can’t just be a loner for two years until I graduate. And then, that changed. My school changed, me moving changed. Just a lot changed. Because my godmother, she had to go from being god-mom to guardian. And she said it too. She said, “I can’t be cool god-mama right now.” She said, “It can’t be cool god-mama anymore.”
Paris:
“Right now,” she said, “I got to be a guardian. I got to be your godmother. Your actual godmother. I got to take care of you, because your mom is not here anymore.” It really showed me how much she loved us. Because a lot of people, they have godparents, and they’re just like, “We’re here for your birthday parties. Things like that.”
Paris:
No, my godmother, she stepped in like she was my mom. She stepped in like she was my second mom. I’ve always looked at her like that even before my mom passed away. And just like I said about my mom, how I hope to be half the woman she is, I hope to be half the woman she is for when I’m someone’s godmother. I would want to be able to do the same thing for my godchild in the future.
Paris:
And it’s just … A lot changed, but I knew that my mom would want me to continue going the way that we were going, and continue living on. She wouldn’t want me to sulk and cry in my room all day. Things were hard, but family and my friends, they just made it easier. Them being there as a support system.
Amy Stapleton:
So you finished strong and graduated …
Paris:
Yes.
Amy Stapleton:
And had some really special rituals around graduation.
Paris:
Yes.
Amy Stapleton:
Can you tell us about that?
Paris:
It was a blur. I don’t really … That was-
Amy Stapleton:
I thought … I remember you painting your hat and there were some things of mom’s that you took?
Paris:
… You remember it, but it’s like it was a blur for me. Now it is. I was talking to Kia and there’s this song by Jhené Aiko and it’s called 10,000 Hours. And so, she says in this song, “I’ve been missing you for 10,000 hours. I can’t let go of 10,000 memories.” We were talking, it’s like, I haven’t seen Kia in two years. And so, that’s almost 20,000 hours. Because in one year, it’s 8,000 hours … We did all this math.
Paris:
But graduation was a big moment and so was prom. It’s crazy, but I barely remember it. It happened and it was over with. But I do … Now, when you said the picture, I had a picture of her. I don’t know if I put it in my hat. I think Paige pinned it in my hair. Under my hat, under my cap. But for prom and graduation, I took a picture of her with me.
Paris:
For prom, my dress was red. Red was her favorite color. Red with roses. And I went very classy, because that’s how she would have wanted me to go. I didn’t go like, “Oh, I’m going. I’m getting a nice tight dress.” No, I went really classy, like she would have wanted in the red and the roses.
Paris:
Prom was hard, graduation was even harder. But my godmother, she made it, like always, she made it a little bit easier. My family was there, of course. Like I said, it’s a blur. But, once again, my family. They’re my … A lot of people say to me, “You and your family are really close. You and your sister, I love your bond.”
Paris:
My family is the most important thing to me. A lot of people can’t say that. And I can. They’ve helped me through the hardest time in my life. And I’m still standing to this day, because of them. They keep me going, they push me to do better. They push me in school, they push me in work. And it’s just … I love them for that.
Amy Stapleton:
Two things you said that I thought were really significant. One, these really big events in life were kind of a blur. And that’s not uncommon. In some ways, I think the reality that our loved ones aren’t going to be there physically to witness it, it’s really hard to even get our heads around. So, almost they become like a blur, because it’s just too hard to imagine it without them there.
Amy Stapleton:
And so, I think it’s awesome that you created these rituals where mom got to be a part of it in some way. Both in your dress and at graduation. And then, the other thing you’ve hit home so many times is just the power of family. Even as family changes, in grief, some of those roles and relationships changed.
Amy Stapleton:
I remember, you’re kind of the baby. Right? And everybody wants to take care of the baby, but yet you’re also an adult. And you had to grow up really hard and really fast. And at 16. Doing what a lot of people don’t do until they’re much older than you.
Paris:
Paying taxes at 17 is not great. A lot of people even before would say that I was an old-head or I was mature for my age. And then, when that happened, when my mom passed away, they said it a lot more. They were like, “I don’t know how you’re still here. I don’t know how you’re moving. I don’t know how you’re surviving without her.”
Paris:
And it’s like, well, she wouldn’t have wanted me to just sit in my room and sulk and not go to school, because she’s gone. She would want me to graduate and do everything to push me and do what I want to do in life. When I say that I’ve had to mature, a lot of my friends, they’re still … We’re all the same age, but I just feel like rather me being 19 about to turn 20, I feel like I’m 20, about to turn 21. And they’re 19 about to turn 20.
Paris:
Because they haven’t gone through the experiences. Like my one friend, one of my best friends, she hasn’t experienced a loss like I have. And so, one time I wasn’t really in a mood to talk. And so, I told her. I just said that I’m not really in the mood to talk. And she’s like, “Oh, what’s wrong?”
Paris:
It was around my mom’s death anniversary. And so, I was like, “My mom’s day is coming up in a couple of days. And today is not a good day.” And she’s like, “Oh, I’m sorry. I hope you feel better.” A lot of times it’s hard to hear people say, “I hope you feel better,” because sometimes I won’t. And sometimes I will. It just depends. It never … I won’t say it gets easier.
Paris:
It just gets less hard. My birthday’s on Friday and right now, I’m fine. But as it gets closer … It’s like what happened around my mom’s birthday. I was fine the days before. The night before, I’m like, “Okay. Oh. Feeling a little bit emotion.” The day of, I was fine. The day after is when it all came out. All the tears. I was heartbroken, laying in my bed. I was done.
Paris:
Christmas was easier this year. It was me and my sister. We went to my grandparents’ house and my cousins’, but I had said to my sister, I said, “Christmas doesn’t feel like Christmas this year.” One, because of COVID, and … I don’t know. It just didn’t feel the same.
Paris:
But it was just me and her, because of COVID. We didn’t go anywhere like we normally do. Usually, we go to everybody’s house and, “What’d you get?” And going to see the family. But this year we couldn’t really do that. And so, it was like, it’s not really festive as it usually is. And that was our favorite holiday.
Paris:
And it’s hard for me with my birthday, because three weeks later is when she passed away. It’s just … The whole beginning of the year, the end of the year, it’s just not good for me. Because it’s her birthday, Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then my birthday.
Paris:
And then, to add in, my uncle who passed away four days before her. And February … February is a loving month, which we celebrate. We don’t mourn their death. We can be sad. It’s okay to be sad. But we try and be happy like they’re still here with us. She’s somewhere in this room right now, listening to me talk.
Paris:
I let myself be sad. I let my emotions come in waves. I let them come and I let them go. We can’t just dwell on them being gone, because they’re not gone, gone. I have this ring for me and Paige. I got both of us a ring for Christmas. My mom is in the middle. It’s a heart.
Amy Stapleton:
Ah, that’s beautiful.
Paris:
And then, me and Paige are on the side. And so, I always have her with me. Like I said, it doesn’t get easier. It just gets less hard, because you’re like, “Well, there will soon come a time where I’ll be with her again eternally.” But it’s like, right now, I just got to keep going.
Amy Stapleton:
Can you tell us about one of the hardest conversations you’ve ever had?
Paris:
One of the hardest conversations I’ve had was after my mom passed away. She was an organ donor, which is great, because you’re saving other people’s lives. And if you’re an organ receiver, it’s great for you, because someone is saving your life. Meaning someone has lost their life.
Paris:
When we got the call, me and my sister had to make the decision of what to donate. And so, they’re like, “Well, can we have her skin?” That was an easy answer. “No.” Because she had tattoos that she was proud of. A queen bee tattoo. She had a tattoo for her parents and me and Paige. Pooh bear and boo-boo. And we were like, “No, you can’t have her skin.”
Paris:
“Well, can we have her bones?” And it helps for people, I think, with cancer or something like bone marrow. We’re like, “Yeah, just leave her skin.” They took the bones from her legs, because we didn’t want them to cut her tattoos up. “Can we have her eyes?” And we’re like, “Her eyes? What do you want those for?” They’re like, “Just the cataracts. To help people with cataracts.”
Paris:
And so, the hardest question that they asked us was, “Can we have her pulmonary sac?” I knew what that meant, because I was in medical classes. And my sister said, “Well, what is that?” And they said, “The sac that holds her heart.” I knew that meant that they would have to cut her heart and just throw the rest of it away. But you take the pulmonary sac.
Paris:
The question my sister asked was, “So, you want to cut my mom’s heart up and throw it away?” And that’s really how it feels, because all they needed was the pulmonary sac. It was if you were going to take any of the heart, you’re going to take the whole thing. And if you’re not going to take the whole thing, then you can’t have it.
Paris:
It was the hardest conversation, because … I don’t blame my mom for not saying. Because, I don’t think you know that you can specify what you want to donate and what you can’t. And I said to myself, “I want to be an organ donor. I want to save someone’s life when my time here is done, but I don’t want to put my kids through that.”
Paris:
I don’t know if my mom knew that she could specify, but I have specified what I want to give and what I don’t want to give. And me being the same person as my mom, I have tattoos that I’m proud of. I don’t want my skin to be taken. I’m going to give the same thing that we gave of my mom. But it’s like, when the time comes, and my kids have to possibly have this conversation … Maybe they won’t have to have the conversation, because I’ve specified.
Speaker 1:
What remains.
Amy Stapleton:
While everything has changed, there are some real things that remained. And some ways that you found a way through. We talk about, grief is not something to get over, but something that we move through. As you said so beautifully, it becomes a part of us.
Amy Stapleton:
Your life from here on out looks different, because of what you’ve gone through. When you think about what helped during those days, what made a difference? You mentioned your family, but was there something else that really made a difference for you? Especially, at that age, as you were grieving.
Paris:
Well, like I said. Family, of course. Music, because she loved music. And I was a music person even before. I’m a music person because of her. My uncle told me about a song that her and him used to sing to each other. They used to call each other and sing to each other over the phone. And it’s “More than I” by Commissioned.
Paris:
When he first told me about it, I cried, because it’s like I could hear her singing it. And so, music was one that has helped me. I got into reading more, but then I fell off again. I’m not a reader. My sister, she loves reading. But me, it was, “Eh.” But, mainly music … Music is my escape. To this day, when I’m feeling mad, I’ll go listen to a song that’ll lift my spirits up.
Paris:
And when I’m listening to a sad song … Maybe I’ll listen to a sad song, that’ll make me sadder, but I’m just trying to let that wave come and go. I’ll listen to sad music to help get it out. Or I’ll listen to happy music. And then, I danced in school. I also love music, because I like to dance. And so, I’ll just play music in the house and dance and play music while I’m cooking or making my body butter.
Paris:
Family and music, honestly, really helped to make a difference in moving on. And not necessarily moving on, but it’s just getting through it. Helping heal. It’s an open sore that never really closes, because it can get cut again. Because something else happens or you think about that person and it’s … But those two things are honestly the main things that help make a difference.
Amy Stapleton:
I’m just thinking back, so you’re 16, 17 years old. Most of your friends have not been through anything like this. Is there something that you wish they would have said or done that would have really made a difference to you at that time?
Paris:
One thing that they could have said or done … There wasn’t really anything that I expected of them, because like you said, they haven’t really gone through that. Something as traumatic as that. One thing that I was happy that a lot of people didn’t do was, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry for your loss.” Because it makes it … If I’m distracting myself and you’re like, “Oh, I’m sorry for your loss.” It makes me think about it.
Paris:
When I went back to school, my best friend … When I went back to school after the funeral and everything, she was my protector. Because she made … If I would get sad in class, she knew. She’d go up to the teacher like, “Hey, Paris, she’s not feeling good. Can she take a walk? Can we go on a walk with her?” They knew she was there for me, and they would let us take a walk real quick and I’d come back and be fine.
Paris:
Also, before I came back to school, they had an assembly. Paris’s mom has passed away. When she comes back, give her love. I was like, No. No. That’s not … No, I don’t want that. Yes, give me love, but don’t put it on blast. It was like I came back, and everybody’s eyes were on me. They knew, “Her mom is gone. She needs a hug.” People who I wasn’t talking to before came and hugged me. And I’m like, “We haven’t talked in six months.”
Amy Stapleton:
It wasn’t secret, but it was private. You wanted that space to just be and do you?
Paris:
Yeah. It’s something that you want to tell people.
Amy Stapleton:
Yeah, it’s your story.
Paris:
It’s not something you want other people to tell. I come back and I tell you, “Yeah, my mom passed away.” I don’t want the whole school to know.
Amy Stapleton:
Right.
Paris:
But one thing that I wish some people would have said. Not, “Oh, I’m so sorry,” but just, “I’m here. If you need me.” People that were actually my friends. Not people that, because I lost somebody, they’re my friend again. Or people that I don’t even know, coming up to me. But my friends, “I’m here if you need me.” Or, “We can always talk,” or “Let’s go out. Let’s go to a movie or something. Let’s do something to keep your mind off of it.”
Paris:
Just being able to know that I had somebody there to distract me. Or just somebody there other than family at school to have a distraction. That’s all I wish that somebody would have said, “I’m here for you. You got me. You know I’m here. No matter what.”
Paris:
And that was my best friend. She was there for me and still is to this day. She’s always talking about, “I miss your mom so much.” And it’s like, “Girl, me too.” She’s like, “Your mom was one of the coolest moms.” She was like, “You always put her through something.” I was the trouble child, but she loved me.
Speaker 1:
What’s next.
Amy Stapleton:
When I think about what’s next for you … We were just talking about that. We’ve talked about what was lost and what remains. And then, now there’s this, “What next?” In your life.
Amy Stapleton:
And so, you’ve graduated. And you’re a professional woman and going to school and doing so much in the world. Can you talk about what’s next for you and how grief is a part of that?
Paris:
What is next for me? I just finished my CNA class. I’m officially a certified nursing assistant. I am working in a laser hair removal business. I just got a promotion, so I’m the lead. And I’ve only been working there for seven or eight months. We closed for three months, so for me to be able to get a promotion and I haven’t been working there that long … I’m just like, I see my mom.
Paris:
I feel like if I wasn’t my mother’s child, I wouldn’t have the work ethic that I have to this day. After my CNA, I wanted to get my foot in the medical world just to see, “Do I really want to? Is this how I want to help people? Or do I want to find a different way to help people?”
Paris:
Because I wanted to either help them medically and with their health that way. Or with what I’ve gone through, wanted to become … Because in psychology, I just love the way the brain works. And so, I was like, “Do I want to become a psychologist and help people that way? Or do I want to become a neonatal nurse?”
Paris:
And so, it’s still up in the air. Honestly, do I want to help people with what’s going on up here? Or do I want to help little babies? Because my baby cousin, Cameron, she was a NICU baby. She was in the GBMC, Greater Baltimore Medical Center, and they have one of the best NICU units and the babies are just so taken care of.
Paris:
They have somebody on the floor who goes in and sings to the babies. And the babies are just so well taken care of. And I saw how she was taken care of. I’m like, “I want to be there for someone’s baby.” And then, there’s babies in there that don’t have visitors. And it was like, oh my God. That’s heartbreaking.
Paris:
And that’s the important time. They need that skin to skin and they need that love and affection in order to grow. And so, I’m leaning towards both of those ways. Do I want to be a psychologist? Or do I want to be a neonatal nurse? That’s my way of helping people.
Paris:
Every day I think of what I want to do in life, my mom is right there behind me. Because there has been times where I’m like, “I can’t do it. I’m not good at science, so how I going to be a nurse?” And I fail a test and I’m like, “Oh my God, I can’t do it.” And I fall back in a couple of things, but then I take a big step forward.
Paris:
It’s just my mom pushing me on, because there’s so many times that I’ve wanted to give up, especially on school, because school is not my thing. But there’s so many times that I’ve wanted to give up, but I know that she would want me to keep going and do what I told her I was going to do.
Paris:
I used to tell her … I was in eighth grade and I said, “When I graduate, I’m not staying close to home. I’m going to Ohio State University. I’m going to be a Buckeye.” And I used to tell her, “I’m not staying close to home. I’m going to call you and be at parties.” Blah, blah, blah. No, I would have stayed right at home.
Paris:
Just pushing on to, like I said, be half the woman she is and just make her proud in every way possible. Graduating made her proud. And I know me getting the promotion and the CNA license is making her proud. I’m just going to keep going until I know for sure. I know I’m making her proud, but I just want to keep doing that with everything in life, every aspect.
Amy Stapleton:
I have no doubt that you are going to help people in whatever you choose to do as a career professionally. You already are. You’ve helped so many people just by your words and your witness and who you are in the world. When I think of grief transformed, you’re one of the first people always think of.
Amy Stapleton:
How you took this incredibly hard thing and transformed it in a way that didn’t define you, but inspired you. And how you honor your mom with your life is such a testament to that love and that lasting legacy that she’s given to you and your family. I’m so grateful to know you. And I’m so excited to see where the world and life takes you. Paris, it’s my honor to sit across from you and just to watch you rise. To watch you soar. Thank you.
Paris:
Thank you.
Speaker 1:
Grief From the Other Side Podcast is made possible thanks to the generous support from the John and Cathy Belcher Institute. For more information on grief and loss services, visit chesapeakelifecenter.org or call 888-501-7077.
